Pay no attention to the blogger behind the curtain

Tags: feminism - tw:domestic -abuse tw:domestic violence - femme - hard femme - soft femme - love for victims - not all victims are femme - not all femmes are victims - there’s nothing wrong with using the word survivor for yourself- if reblogging please do put these tags somewhere.

I do not define as a survivor.

I used to think it was because the abuse that I suffered wasn’t ‘enough. My life was never in danger. It felt very ‘dramatic’. 

But that wasn’t it at all. It was because ‘survivor’ sounds very blameless. People survive illnesses and natural disasters. But the cruelty that I suffered was neither accident nor force of nature. I was a victim because someone that I trusted and treated kindly victimised me. Because I was kind and gentle. Because I was polite and well meaning. Because I was nice.

And that is why I do consider myself to have been a victim. ‘I was a victim’. Its a hard thing to say in a society which blames victims, silences victims, despises what it denotes as weakness. Survivor sounds better, more empowered and empowering, less vulnerable. 

But there is nothing wrong with vulnerability. We are all vulnerable in some way, at some time.

And I’m actually more than a little sick of feminist discourse which tries to force me into the masculinist mould of ‘survivor’, packaged in a way that is more in line with patriarchal ideas of toughness. I’m told that defining as a former victim is ‘giving my abuser power’. No it isn’t. It is shaming her for the things that she has done. 

It is not my responsibility to not be a victim. It is not my shame to have been victimised. It is the responsibility of everyone to not victimise other people.

I think that this especially bothers me as a femme, that I am pressured to make myself sound… hardened.

There is nothing wrong with my soft and squishy self, my kindness, the fact that the traits that I value most highly in myself are compassion and sweetness. Even if it has been taken advantage of. Especially when it has been taken advantage of and remains.

Its become increasingly fashionable for femme to be marketed as strong and powerful, subversive of traditional femininity, fierce and full of rage, growly and embodying the spirit of the riot. Hard femme. Femme but not like those other femmes.  And for some femmes that is fitting.

But the pressure to reject those more traditional traits ascribed to femininity is damaging and devaluing. Kindness, compassion, civility, gentleness, and being sweet are beautiful, wonderful things when they are sincere and unfeigned, a part of someone’s essence and natural expression. Hard femme is good, it has value and worth, but so does soft femme too, for what good is countering oppression, if not to enjoy a world where people can be gentle without fear? 

You don’t have to be an ass kicker to be worthwhile, to be a good femme rolemodel. You can be a soup maker, a polite note writer or simply a person who says enough is enough and doesn’t engage with bad people. And that is okay. 

Pictured: Two acceptable expressions of femininity. Neither are objectively better or worse.

imbothandmasterlovesmebest:

So I’ve started a new fandom blog for my True Blood stuff.

Its called MaybeIWearTooMuchPink and if you like True Blood you should come along and be friends with me there too!

ramblingmaenad:

have you ever wanted to take a huge jar of glitter around with you while you go about your day and just like dump it all over people who are assholes? because i do.

i really really do.

On people being assholes? Nah. For me dumping a big jar of glitter on someone is the start of a courtship ritual!